When my options for Friday night are being a 3rd wheel or bringing a gay man as my date i need to focus on other things in life like having a successful career.
It's like God shit irony all over that family
you were definitelymotorboating random chicks as they walked out of the bar. just like, down the line. you kept yelling "Motor Boats for everyone!!!!"
all adderall does is make me the grand champion of using wikipedia.
It was great. Even bought me breakfast in the AM
From?
Well, he didn't exactly take me out, but left a $20 on the table...
all i remember is stealing his cheesepuffs and shaving my vagina in the hotel lobby
The question of "Will I eat a piece of curried chicken off the floor?" has been answered tonight.
I just yelled at a bunch of girl scouts for yelling "cookies" to loudly. That hungover
Lying on this bed is like lying on love and marshmallows and joy
James this is colleen. This is my new number. You just texted my grandma about getting cockblocked. Congratulations.
They said you bought the guy a shot and was talking about being Greek and then all of the sudden just puked all in their pitcher of beer and got kicked out of the bar.
I'm trying to get WebMD to diagnose me with a hangover
Waking up with cheese all over my clothes and my vibrator in my pants is a sign we drank way too much tequila last night
Instead of texting me to come over, she just sends me a batman symbol.
I don't care if she's a booty call. Marry her.
No. It's going to be "I'm mad that it took you so long to get over here" angry sex.
Randomize
