I miss seeing your mom and dad at church, well mostly just your mom... She used to hug my face into her boobs.
the problem with open bar is i never know what to get
did you really just start a sentence with "the problem with open bar is..."
Dude. He drives a mini. Therefore he's a virgin
MCAT status: Day 64, no longer can remember what sex is like.
They asked if I was about to puke and my response was to laugh and suddenly throw up. Continuing my asshole streak I kept laughing while still vomiting.
He is so amazingly handsome. I just wanna fuck every shred of decency out of him.
Also I have uncooked pasta. I was hoping that could get cooked at your place. Don't ask about the circumstances that I came into ownership of uncooked pasta
He told me that before I went to bed I needed to do my stretches and then processed to demonstrate a squat thrust, while completely naked.
just once I'd like to not pass out before we leave the designated pre-drinking place
i just got hit on on the bus. Yes sir, because its every boys dream to fuck a forty year old with a face tattoo
Because bro, I don't want your dick being touched mid conversation.
he really is such a sweet guy. it’s a shame i have to break his heart.
You should probably come home from vacation now. I make badddd decisions when you're gone.
Sorry I steam cleaned at 1:30 in the morning and that i'm such a drunk dumb child. On the bright side, my carpet has ever looked better.
Hungover at Subway, watching a business guy try to squeeze his way past my car to get into his. Bitch shouldn'ta parked over the line.
You truly are a temple of morality.
I am the night, I am justice, I am currently watching the fat biz guy pay a frat boy to back his car up for him so he can get in.
Randomize
