please say your awake. the girl i brought home last night...any idea on a name? she isnt up yet...
Jennifer and I just ate like 4 jello shots w/ a guy dressed as inspector gadget. We are still in the capital building btw
I love Texas.
Do you want the good news or bad news first?
bad news
The bad news is i thew up on your bed, the good news is i found out who ate your cheetos.
Be careful down there, Shane may have pooped on the carpet.
how you manage to cockblock me from 500 miles away still baffles me.
Don't byou dare ruin egg salad by putting your penis in it that would be so sad.
His fuck buddy just got fake tits and wants him to 'come break them in.' I need his life.
If this outfit doesn't get me pregnant tonight I don't know what will...
I was just laying in bed wondering if there's more important things in life than cheese stuffed pretzels.
You really could become the cat lady we've always dreamed of.
That Kevin guy is something else...His penis is fucking glorious. And he has a way with words. If he lived here I'd be the conductor of the fuck caboose. I mean literally I would never want to get off that thing.
I told my therapist about the other night and he actually whistled and said "wow that is not good."
How many hotdogs are you going to eat today?
THE LIMIT DOES NOT EXIST.
In case you're wondering... Yes walmart will judge you for buying vodka and pickles at 645am.
Sorry, Geoff can’t come to his phone right now. He’s outside trying to show his dick to a bachelorette party bus with “DTF” written on the windows
Randomize
