I*** M*****, this is your dignity texting you. I ditched you when you started hitting on bros and old sailor men last night. My friend Sarah has pictures to prove it.
Sometimes I get depressed that my son is too young to understand how hot his babysitter is.
so, just learned that EVERYONE heard pretty much everything last night. my roommates were surprised to learn you're a dirty talker.
just dd'd my mom home while she begged me to let her drunk dial my ex, jammed out to party in the usa, and then passed the fuck out. thanks for the genes mom.
We hadn't had sex in so long that I started queefing and then I couldn't stop giggling... I think he's mad.
I probably shouldn't have followed up that rainbow sherbet with beef jerky. This is a whole new level of fat, even for me.
my co-worker, his best friend who also works with us, an my baby daddy, ive turned love triangle into a retarded shape with to many sides to pronounce
Nope my penis exudes pure oxygen in times of crisis.
Someone just walked into the bar with a pillow
I don't know whether to judge him or give him a high five
Had sex with one of the guys from Ireland. Celebrating st pattys early.
I asked the cop if I could see his dick- It's not like he could arrest me twice.
Do you want the fat one with an ok face or the skinny ugly one?
It doesn't matter as long as our shame is in tandem.
"you can only have my number if you answer all the questions on this trivial pursuit card correctly"
In the middle of pounding my asshole he stopped and said, "do you want to get breakfast after this?"
my personal favorite... An "I'm sorry you broke your finger and cant play sports for awhile" blowjob!
Randomize
