I'll start drinking again when I know where I am
believe me... letting the man that delivered you from your mother's vagina do shots off your stomach is really fucking awkward.
easter eggs filled with ecstasy. it's what jesus would do.
this is hardly the first time i've been told i'm dressed "too suggestively" for 7 in the morning.
Just saw a half naked, drunk, 6th grade math teacher throwing small children around to the Titanic soundtrack.
What kind of wedding is this and why wasn't I invited
plan d- we get drunk, go see that Justin Bieber movie and freak out 13 year old girls.
Matt's offering to breast feed it.
Banana suit guy has an entourage and they're all douchebags. There is no god.
I can hear my family downstairs singing Christmas carols as I masturbate
JUST DENIED A NEW YEARS KISS BECAUSE HE WAS A COWBOYS FAN.
not sure what stings more, my ass or my pride...
It's a combination of amazing uncoordination, bad luck, and sheer determination to cause destruction wherever I go.
What's the point of having a gay best friend if he doesn't play with your titties?
I miss painting strippers for Christmas. Holidays not the same without glitter and body paint
I'll be your substitute stripper tonight.
You went after him with a sword while screaming “FAJITAS!”. And Todd was dressed as a Goth for some reason
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