She was like a white Oprah, but with less conviction.
Trust me, I wear more condoms than socks. I wouldn't risk infecting my cock. It's my livelyhood.
You kept calling me your small dog last night.
i woke up in his bed to a "teach your baby to read" infomercial. i pray to GOD that's not a sign
Definitely almost got hit in the face with a baby
I had to download the flashlight app so I could finish taking a dump when the power went out.
Okay. Did anyone see me spend $1600 at the strip club last night? Or is this someone else's receipt in my pocket?
Everything gets a little fuzzy after the flats of jello shots, but I do have a vague recollection of being at the top of a large human pyramid
Watching crazy stupid love and drinking alone isn't what I thought it was gonna be
Its TONS better. Expect a drunk dial at 11:54
That boy has a whole ocean of crazy lying just beneath the surface waiting to rise up, he's like the tar sands of crazy
Dude. It's not even nine. I don't know yet.
Drink number four. Don't even tell me about its not even nine
he has a party story that rivals our "PTSD- soldier-with-a-knife" party story. I'm pretty sure this is part of some prophecy.
Have you ever had to act sober and talk to an authority figure in a coconut bra? Because it is just as degrading as you would imagine.
You know it's time to call it a night when every guy in the bar (all 3 of them) have seen you naked at one time or another.
You let the ASEXUAL teach sex Ed?!
Randomize
