I realized today that I should stop thinking so much with my vagina instead of my brain.
Please tell me this doesn't mean another "surprise road trip" where I spend all my money on gas and the SURPRISE destination is the abortion clinic.
But what if I pay for the gas?
Tell her you can forgive her unacceptable behavior because her dad and his dog weren't married when they conceived her.
Woke up with a migrane, threw up blood, then my headache went away. I'm going to convince myself that it was just a bad batch of blood so I can drink again tonight
Is there any chance I can see you without pouring vodka on your head?
we didn't have anything to do and wanted to get our money's worth out of our costumes, so if you see two mermaids day drinking by the creek it's us
Taco Bell drive through. Chick got out of the car in front of us and threw up on the hood of my car!
Not okay.
HE'S EATING THE CONFETTI. STOP HIM NOW.
I met his dad. Turns out he was a one nighter from the nurses conference in Vegas. Not sure how to handle this one.
Clearly, you already have. Both of them.
Still dying that you shit outside
I need a hobby that isn't dick related
WELL I DIDNT KNOW IT WAS POSSIBLE TO COME SO HARD YOU HAVE AN ASTHMA ATTACK BUT HERE I AM
Dude, you were so drunk you were hanging from the ceiling of my car pretending you were a sloth while we were on 81.
Its like your face is a pile of corn and I'm a chicken
...What??
This is very awkward but where is my dildo, Mom
Hmm should I take my nipple rings out before my sisters wedding/family vacation in Puerto Rico where I will be with my mother 24hrs a day for four days wearing a bathing suit seemingly the entire time? Or should I just risk it and not hug anyone.
Risk it. Keep the titties tough.
Randomize
