The verizon commercial has a magical pinata. Candy just keeps coming out. It must be a portal to a candy universe.
Unfortunately, they didn't pull of their wake and bake plans. Instead, they waked and vomited like a half-retarded giraffe till everyone woke up.
do you ever lay in the bath and watch the blood hit the water?
EWW. Don't discuss your period with me. You can go shave your back now.
You can't date a girl from every country.
I'm the captain planet of women
Just erased 'masturbate' from my mental To-Do list because I've got too much stuff to do. I hate adulthood
we fucked the fort apart but we'll rebuild it after we get some drinks.
Any coincidence your getting married tomorrow and it's the most predicted day for the rapture? Just saying
He only talks to me during the summer and it's probably because I let him fuck me in my pool last year.
'Twas I. Do you have any idea what it's like waking up to see you sent a text inviting someone to partake in "sexy rumpus?"
She's currently celebrating her completion of "Sober October" with "Margarita Shit-Show November."
I think your dick broke my retainer, I normally wouldnt care but my orthodontist died and I don't want my first appt to be blow job broken retainer with a new ortho.
This is the guy I made out with and it made me think of my dad. Let's never talk about it again.
We were having sex and my nose just started pouring blood. He reached down to the floor, grabbed a sock and held it to my nose. He just kept pounding away like nothing was happening.
How proud should I be that I googled "dildo with wheels" and actually got the result I wanted?
You know what would have been funny if we got arrested last night? The inventory search of the lock box:\n\nContents:\n1 work ID\n1 33 round Glock magazine\n1 set of keys\n1 vibrator\n2 bags fruit snacks\n1 parking hang tag
Randomize
