respond to me or i'm telling everyone that you inserted a vodka soaked tampon into your anus
Stop. You don't mean that. Tequila might mean that. But you don't mean that.
End of the semester and I banged 14 freshman. I'm like my own welcome to college orientation guide.
just dd'd my mom home while she begged me to let her drunk dial my ex, jammed out to party in the usa, and then passed the fuck out. thanks for the genes mom.
I reached in my backpack to pull out my laptop. I found my bottle of Jack and 2 bottles of Coke. It's going to be a good class.
HE COULDN'T FIND IT! WHAT KIND OF QUARTERBACK CAN'T FIND IT?!
I love you. I'm too high for this. Find a way. Make it happen. Live strong.
He asked me if we could throw a lingerie party together so I guess he's single again
That dog was the best thing i ever touched
Two shots of gin says this is gonna be a sloppy lab write up.
Oh shit. The hangover. It has taken 20 mins and 5 attempts to tie my shoelaces
He went to 7/11 first and came back with condoms and a banana "in case we get hungry"
I'm wine drunk & this is not good news for anybody
Stoned. Scared. Bring pool noodle and onion rings.
I’m pretty sure I have teeth marks on my neck
Randomize
