whats up tonight?
Ice cream, wine, and teabags... Not the earl grey kind
why do my parents always seem to be having way more sex than i do?
tagging him in all 73 close-ups of your cleavage might have been a little obvious.
you lied. pity sex is amazing.
what has two thumbs and is going to bang you boss on monday?
We were dancing and she was clawing my stomach like a fat kid getting to a half broken pinata.
You said that my dog would "complete your puzzle" then you got naked and took it behind the bar
I have no idea. I think this is what happens when people take drugs in the middle of the day
WHO THE FUCK TAGS THEMSELVES AT COUNTY JAIL?!?!
Oh god. Just tried to hail a pizza delivery car. Awkward.
International sake day = success
Is there a polite way to say "Sorry for your head injury but I still want to hook up"?
I'm about to have a threesome at the hotel where I had my quinceañera. Becoming a woman under this roof for the second time, whaaat
You know the sex was good when he had to ask which way was north before he left.
She just asked me if I was going to stay the night. I responded "I know that we are upside down".
PS- My flight is being emergency landed bc someone smuggled cats on the plane.
Randomize
