At least we lost an hour tonight! Less time to make a fool of myself
I needed to borrow my dads nail clippers and next to it was an industrial size box of condoms if that wasnt bad enough I dropped the clippers behind the bed and discovered hundreds of used condoms
Just watched Hilary Duff have a three-some on Gossip Girl...all I could imagine was that LIzzie Maguire cartoon girl freaking out above their heads
I woke up next to her this morning and couldn't remember her name. Luckily, she had written it on my hand so that I could add her on facebook.
I just test ran being their maid. I'm getting 50 bucks a month and they're buying the costume.
The 12 year old son winked and made eyes at me while his father fed me vodka gummy bears. Gameday yo
I just want someone to shove bread from panera down my throat
ON A SIMILAR NOTE MY DICK SIZE PSYCHIC SKILLS ARE SO GOOD
yeah, I'm getting gagged by the cock of fate
I'm discussing Magic Mike with my mom and totally get why she thinks I'm gay.
You were holding onto her boobs like you were adrift at sea and they were the only flotation devices
He literally said, while inside me, "I would smack your ass but I don't want to wake my mom up". Amazing.
I'm just going to use my debit card. I feel bad buying pizza with the money I stole from my roommate...so I'm going to put it in my piggy bank.
What better than a girl who loves jager, sexts like a champ and is down for t-bell at any hours of the night? oh wait, NOTHING.
Breakfast sounds amazing but can we do IHOP instead? I have to pick up a Plan B pill and there’s a CVS next to it
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