Do u have any bacon or vodka by chance
they ran out of cups so I just drank out of a cowbell.
i'm wearing my white shorts to coax my period out of hiding.
We snorted a line of cocaine and xanax, and then played a game of Backgammon. It was surprisingly therapeutic.
I could hear them screwing through my bedroom wall again this morning, so I started beat boxing to the tempo.
I mean how do you tell a nurse in the ER that you dislocated your knee giving a blowjob to your boyfriend.
Very innocently.
why are all my papers due the day after my potential hangover
Every FB picture she has looks like it's from the POV of the guy she's blowing
Ugh, once again I had to block the view of him peeing off the hotel bar balcony, I earned those free drinks!
Tight. Want to get up, make coffee, sit on separate couches and silently read our mobile devices together?
Nothing says "Happy New Year" like having to shit into a plastic bag.
I just want to eat chicken fingers and drink beer and smoke in bed with my laptop so I can watch Netflix
So your not doing THAT great with the break up then...
Vodka, MiraLAX and Gatorade are perfect for the night before a colonoscopy
Today we memorialize my orgasms. Taken from me over six months ago, gone too soon. Here's to hoping we'll see one again
Im crying watching 9/11 footage eating spray can cheese in my pajamas.
Randomize
