My cat gives me a boner
i woke up today to a handjob from this really fat girl that keeps calling me michael phelps
I am totally the chick from Intervention who barfs up wine and then re-eats it.
I wish you would always start your sentences with "speaking of my clit..."
The drugs are starting to wear off. Suddenly aware there's a girl with bald patches and 2 guys that don't have a full set of teeth between them.
I know, but I was really high and I felt like a failure dragon because I could only blow smoke, no fire.
Idk wtf I would do on a date. I thought wed passed that stage at least for a while. Nowadays dates should consist of blackouts and shameful mistakes.
$100 bras are my way of telling my boobs that I love and appreciate them, and all the metaphorical doors they have opened for me.
Is that a tongue signal to get over there? That's how my two heads are taking it.
I feel like he better crank it up to level RG IV tomorrow. It's the fucking playoffs.
I fingered myself to realization that I don't need birth control if there is never a guy.
Drunk at work, covered in Cheetos is no way to go through life.
I found Cheetos.
I was just randomly reminded of the night you were wrapped up in a bed sheet carrying a full bottle of cookie dough vodka and warning neighbors of the weirdos running around
He drove over an hour to get this shit done. I guess i win the golden vagina award tonight
Oh, and Harry Potter. We could be fuck-and-Harry-Potter buddies.
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