if i'm ever as drunk as the girl in front of me... kill me.
I really hope your girlfriend didnt have your phone while i texted how much i loved doing it in HER car with you :x
I just fucked my ex's ex's ex. Love quadrilateral complete
So I'm seriously not complaining - but I just fell ass backwards into a Tuesday night threesome. Sober
Dude just walked down the street literally wearing nothing but a small box around his waist carrying a case of beer. I want to live here for the rest of my life.
You talked about giving to sperm banks on a first date. What did you expect?
My class coordinator for bio told us that the only thing we should do the night before an exam is to get laid. And then party down after the exam. I like him.
Did I fall on/off the boat yesterday? Cuz my right leg looks and feels like if it got hit by shrapnel.
I took a sleeping pill while he was in the bathroom. Time for a game of how long can we bang before I fall asleep.
You are both horrible and amazing
Yes, let me tell you about the time I was forcibly locked in a bathroom when my ex-girlfriend was having a bad shroom trip.
I think I fell asleep on the dance floor at one point...but played it off cool and acted like I just did the robot.
bitch i am allowed to be rude i just fought cold hard porcelain with my face
One day no one will want to send me dick pics so by all means keep 'em coming
I am listening to Jack Johnson and wearing the sweater your Mother made me fuck mother nature I am in my happy place right now
Mom says you're allowed to come home if you replace the towels. I don't want to know why.
Randomize
