The best thing happened. Some guy was butchering Conway Twitty at karoke and the power went off in the whole bar. And someone shouted "you pissed jesus off when you messed with conway!"
There's an amish chick decked out in amish clothes on a cell phone staring at me.
after he handcuffed me and put me in the back seat, "Mrs. Officer" started playing, I thought maybe this could be my escape
Is it weird that I found myself thinking of that blue chick from Avatar while she gave me head after the movie?
found out the liquor store price matches. thus begins senior year of college
I think I just need to get a pillow shaped like a toilet seat.
Someone was asleep on the couch next to us and woke up. We paused and he yelled "gentlemen, behold! Sex!"
so hungover ... i gave my nephew five bucks to go blow bubbles for an hour in the kitchen.
Dude you're alone at a bar with a woman, and you're talking about my junk?
Hey hey, in my defense we were just suppose to watch Disney movies from a blanket fort with beer and nachos. I was I suppose to know it would end in tears?
I'm looking at some sugar baby profiles to get some insight on what we're up against.
Chipotle farts are not good for seducing boys.
I spilled wine on my pillowcase and I figure it's basically my lifeblood so I'm just leaving it
Today's forecast: 90% chance of bad decisions, good stories, solid new dick and artichoke pizza
My boss couldn’t find her phone so she asked me to call it and when I found it the screen said Fuck Toy was calling. I’m very much okay with this
Randomize
