Dudes got a Polo tattoo. I don't care if he has a yacht I can't handle that level of gay.
So they're giving me a CT scan because I probably have a hernia. From getting a BJ from you. Really. This may be a pivotal moment in my decision to write a book about my life
Talk me down man. Writing a paper drunk and about to buy Celine Dion's greatest hits.
I don't have patience to seek someone out and try to decipher whether or not I think I'd want to actually have their dick in my face.
He went 'unicorn hunting' and lost a fight with a fence. That's how he ended up in the ER.
WHEN DID YOU SAY YOU COME BACK BC I GOT INVITED TO A KEG WAR PARTY
my binge eating and her being stoned all the time has reduced us to a bowl of chinese candies, frozen bacon and a stick of butter, we do however have enough alcohol to start our own liquor store.
She frightens me and turns me on at the same time. She's a keeper
Restraining order pending?
new costume idea. paint swatches and a ball gag... I'll be 50 shades of grey.
Omg yes! I just found a random muffin! Don't question it. Just praise the miracle.
How awkward is it to have the guy you used to sleep with congratulate you on your engagement? I'll tell you. Very.
its 2pm and were already starting beer pong...its gonna be a good night
if you and your penis don't hurry up, I'm getting drunk without you.
This is a hangover from hell. Delivered by the devil himself.
don’t ask me. i snorted coke off of a pregnancy test box last night. i obviously don’t make the best life choices.
Randomize
