Did you ever notice that cashews look like fetuses?
So I walked out of my room and there was my brother....standing naked
Thursdays are my worst days
but now we sippin champagne when we thirstay?
I just saw a 3 year old try to break out of a daycare by driving a big wheel at full speed into a metal gate. Today is going to be epic.
both roomates are passed out on the floor. I feel like I'm missing out on crucial bonding time by sleeping in my bed.
Hey is it bad when your boss leans over your desk and tells you "you smell like the Rainforest Cafe"??
due to concerns over safety, the theme of the 'naked fondue party' has now been changed to the 'naked fondue party with optional apron' please b.y.o.apron. extra prizes for most creative apron.
I got him a footlong to apologize for trying to push him off a balcony...
Off topic, but is it sad that Matthew and I are calculating how much sex we need to have in order to work off a taco bell burrito?
My liver just had a heart attack.
Do you think you're physically and mentally capable of killing me? Because I'd really appreciate it.
At least you got a round of applause for dancing like vanilla ice across the street and into the bar. Even as you were getting carded
Also mom is not happy about me telling her how much i want the women sprinters on the Olympics to beat me up
We're starting to light shit on fire, bring a metal bucket. Be prepared, Jimmy's off his meds.
I’m traumatised. Bring vodka and condoms.
Randomize
