I can only masturbate in one position. It's very inconvenient.
I think thats the most anyones ever pregamed for rollerskating
New scientific discovery: The hypothetical attractiveness of a woman increases exponentially as her skirt:boot ratio approaches zero. Nobel Prize in my future?
Woke up with pink eye in both my eyes. That's how the threesome went
You were dancing around the clubbing yelling "best wingman ever" and raising your cast in the air
he was spitting whole peanuts projectile out of his mouth at the waitresses as they walked by and then yelled across the restaurant that he had "no problem kicking any of their asses"
I was having trouble getting it up so she grabbed it and said "no, it's too big to fail"
He could only go twice. I need a guy with more stamina and is less married
I told the American that we should start banging in Canada incase I get hurt and have to go to the hospital.. is that rude to say?
I can't tell if you're talking about my pussy or Cape Cod.
Our lives are a motherfucking joke
I AM A SEXUAL NIGHTMARE
So this is how i'm celebrating Easter? By eating chicken nuggets and masturbating all day. What a life.
I need to stop challenging people to taking off clothes. I win too often
Can I borrow your pants?
WTH?
Just come to the men’s room and help me. The blonde bartender figured out I’m married. Rachel will definitely notice if come home pantsless
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