I just told someone i was in "addition and subtraction 160".......and they believed me.
260 beers this month. I need a new hobby.
we agreed that it was acceptable to get the cat high as long as we gave her a lot of food.
i told my boss i want to eat her tits. 90 percent sure i'm getting fired
If the boyfriend of the drunk girl you just met asks her if she made a "special friend" you're going to have a threesome. For future reference.
The mystery gender stripper never showed up with that party burrito last night.
Its not low standards. We're more of like a self esteem camp for average girls
The guy you fucked with the lazy eye is here, im avoiding contact by texting you. But i just looked up and he recognizes me, theres no way he doesnt. I'd remember the girl who called me quasimodo all night too. Sober me feels so bad.
I think I fixed my testicle. That's why I didnt pay $25 for a doctor to do it
We invited our waitress tonight to come too.... we told her she had lightning in her veins and in return she taught us a Texas Roadhouse dance so the logical next step was invite her to a kegger.
I really want to throw this drink in your face but it was 6 dollars that shits expensive
Just ate a chocolate chip cookie upside down. This is what having a degree does for you.
How do you leave a condom wrapper under my mom's pillow...
This may not be the best moment to laugh, but I am.
Oh my god and he smells like heaven wrapped in a beard of knowledge
Sorry, I was watching the Olympic story about the Canadian guy and drinking out of the prescription bottle and crying because it was so beautiful.
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