Dude.. I don’t care how hairy she is, you already left me at the bar, and now I have to find another fucking way home... NOW BE A MAN ABOUT IT!
If he comes back to you and I'm left alone in lonelytown I'm totally going to poo on your car.
dude so we were eating nacho cheese popcorn and chasing it with cole slaw
by the way nacho cheese popcorn is me making popcorn and then adding milk butter and mac n cheese mix
For those pictures, I will suffer this headache.
Just made everyone at my party download the vuvuzela app for iPhone, the neighbors absolutely HATE us
I've only been home four days and my parents' cleaning lady already wrote down the number to AA and told me she's praying for me.
If your relationships aren't working out because she doesn't have a penis THEN maybe you should give dudes another go
I think we should take up crocheing or stamp collecting....something completely lacking penises
Ok so you know that's gonna be legally viewed as kidnapping, right?
Reading old FB posts. Why did I ever stop drinking?
My pants zipper is stuck halfway down. I have to interview an intern later. This day is gonna be amazing,
Although a guy bought me a shot of fireball last wknd and I told him he wouldn't even get half a handjob for that and walked away so don't tell me I don't have standards
When the dude you brought home from the bar on Thanksgiving leaves before you wake up ... #thankful
He's gone. He left a note but all it says is "Dear Neil" followed by a drawing of a hand flipping the bird in the direction of a butt.
He fucked me harder than I've ever been fucked before and afterwards he started crying and profusely apologizing to god and baby Jesus for his sin.
Randomize
