why did i make a hit list last night containing only McDonalds?
you tried to order a magarita mcflurry and when they said they didnt make those you tried to call 911
Why I am the classiest girl you know: just mixed drinks for everyone on the baby changing station at the movie theater.
Was this before, or after you took my brand new bag of shredded cheese, and "Made it rain"?
I found my underwear on the sidewalk 8 blocks from her house while on my walk of shame. I also found our beer bag and a full beer in the bush.
pretty sure that drunk girl we saw climbing the stairs is now DJing this club....
Well it's been 24 hours and I still feel like a mammoth sat on my balls
Is it morally wrong to give today's hookup a Krispy Kreme from yesterday's hookup or is it just fat love?
God I miss you. I want to fuck your face... Then do all the girly cuddly shit too.
I have enough bourbon in me to put Justin's cat in the dishwasher.
We got a standing ovation as security was escorting us out of the ballpark, it was a proud moment
saw a dude wearin soccer cleats at the bar tonight. fuckin kiddin me man?
I'm like 89% sure I could get him to buy me a car in exchange for a half-assed handy.
First of all she starred talking about God which immediately killed my buzz
is it just me or does "lol" kill any sort of vibe while sexting?
The boob job was worth every penny just to see the expression of pure joy on his face the first time he saw them.
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