At a sweet 16. cant remember what shirt im wearing byt dnt worry im not sleeping w/ the guy who serves the chicken nuggets again
I have been standing totally still for the past 6 minutes because I was convinced my foot was tied to the ground. It turns out it was a string of hair strewn across my foot
Nope it's a specific set of cards not like a normal ace, queen king thing....kinda like UNO, but instead of yelling UNO you get shitfaced
you were sitting on my toliet with a double cheesburger in your hand asking me how the cheeseburger even got there.
My sink just fell out of the wall. I can't deal with this right now
Woke up next to my bed in a pile of skittles, sleeping on a pair of sweatpants. I can't believe the girl didn't stick around..
His sombrero wouldn't fit in the car and I had to buy him some Jack to make him stop bitching. You owe me
hey, you wanna get together over coffee or something?
is this code for 'i just got broke up with and i need a sympathy dicking'?
how did you know?
Oh my god he's laying on a longboard singing the song from cool runnings.
I want to get up and tell you that smells delicious but I'm struggling with the idea of pants
Yeah bunch of crazy shit... Makes you wonder how anyone found someone before tinder
I've been really sick the past 4 days. Last night, I actually turned down a bj. I may be dying.
The most awkward thing in the morning is seeing your teacher's dick right before you go to his class.
I'm like the kinda excited when David After Dentist stands up in his seat, screams, and collapses
How's work going?
Boring. I have a cat on a leash right now
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