ofcourse shes the first one pregnant. wasnt she the one who asked the middle school health teacher how many calories are in sperm?
i woke up this morning cuddling with a 3 foot statue of Jesus. heaven here i come
My mother's day gift to my mother is to promise never to tell her 95% of the stories I've accumulated in my life.
We're in ER. He's high on morphine and I'm drunk. Gonna score some bed pans for jello shots.
Last time I heard from you, you were double fisting strawberry milk and wine. Answer this text so I know you're still alive. Bonus points for a coherent answer.
HIV testing and a light brunch. Sounds like a great way to spend Christmas Eve.
Maybe you'll have a Christmas miracle
She told me she brought a guy home but that he looked pickled. And no, that's not an autocorrect.
Hahahah pickled
I asked her what she meant and she said that he looked like he had soaked in water.
It's amazing how hard it it while drunk to not comment "fuck you" on dumb peoples' statuses
Somehow I woke up next to the bouncer who kicked us out of the bar last night...
I'm feeding a baby and swiping on tinder...what has my life come to?!?!
she said she doesn't remember seeing me at all last night. ...I was with her for six hours, there's no way she could have been blackout the whole time
Just woke up with only a scarf and my uggs on. i hate partying naked in winter.
Ahhh the shame of taking out my recycling
I wanted to make my beer stronger so I poured vodka in it. Why god....why
Had a dick customer and the words "eat my ass" slipped out. He proceeded to lick his lips and say present it. I think it's time I quit.
Randomize
