you sent me 5 happy birthday texts last night. one after the other. spelled differently.
That girl's pussy is like White Castles, you crave it once in awhile, but you know next morning you regret eating it.
how the fuck did you end up in georgia? you were here at my party dry humping some chick 2 hours ago
so you mean to tell me that there is no way you can get me?
Successful New Year's Eve:: Your first shower of the year is on Jan. 2nd... 'cause you didn't trust yourself to stand up long enough on Jan. 1st. Hello 2010.
Well at one point you put icyhot on your feet because you lost your shoes and it was snowing outside.
I got a lot accomplished today, and the day is still young! I built a fort, hot boxed a fort, had a tea party in a fort, and now realizing how high I am.
She asked me how I live with myself. I told her one night at a time.
Company party. Just told vp "you look like a cat person"
Hey. I thought you were saving your 80s playlist til marriage.
I can't take any time off so I'll be here drinking mimosas til I puke at home with my kitty
I can't believe I had to sit there pretending to play Halo with a condom on for 20 Minutes because your brother barged in to tell a story.
New Halloween costume idea: Frankenstorm. We have three hours. Make it work.
I smoked that joint really fast and now I'm so high I'm crawling around on all 4 giving my dogs piggie back rides pretending its the macy day parade for dogs and I'm their giant human float.
I really don't know how I went from having a few drinks to waging war against ghosts in my apartment but here we are
on a scale of one to ten where does vomming from being hungover during a professionalism lecture fit
Randomize
