So I have $4.22 in my bank account, just wrote a check for a tooth brush from quikmart, and bought a 25 cent condom from the bathroom. i don't know whats more sad, my bank account or the fact that i'm entrusting my entire future to a condom machine that was probably last filled in 1970
I gave my ex the dutch oven last night. How was your night?
I think forcing your little sister to drink with you on a Wednesday when she has school the next day is the low point of alcoholism.
pretty sure if my vagina had a mouth, it would have been smiling afterwards.
No idea how he made them, but vodka water balloons were a horrible idea.
And I think your bro would be happy to know that when I took my bra off like 10lbs of confetti fell out. It was like my tits were celebrating being free
If i ever die cab you make sure bag pipes are at my funeral they are awsome
Will it make you feel better if we wear the title of dysfunctional fucking roommates? It requires monogamy unless we want to bang someone together.
Only ESPN could find the two ugly girls from a school in Florida
I learned that I order a bunch of dollar shots at the bar and once it's ready turned around and say "who wants pay?" And someone will pay
His dad and I had a drunk conversation about life. At 4 am he told me that I was 21 and cute and should fuck whoever I want.
Well I'm half drunk in a green tutu at a chipotle. So pretty good parade.
Apparently I repeatedly thanked the paramedic for saving the "happy new year" beads i was wearing. that bad.
You did what with his pubic hair?
I fucked a 6 foot tall guy who has abs showing without even flexing... I am a wizard and I have magical powers.
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