Five things that make you perfect. Go.
The skin of a dead hooker. The blood of the innocent. The soul of a kitten. The hat from cat in the hat. And sunglasses.
How do you get a cum stain out of a trampoline?
saw a man at the beach in a red speedo. when he rolled over he unintentionally displayed a HUGE skid mark.
I wake up every morning and wish that I didn't have to wear a bra
Just mixed my liver cleanse with Bacardi. Best. Thing. Ever.
I didn't take her seriously until she snorted that ramen noodle flavor packet...
He did plead exhaustion. And I made him push through it. I am like the motherfucking badass football coach of sex.
First thing on my "to do" list- get sober for community service.
I immediately knew he was tripping, he came over with a grocery bag of snow balls and a bike helmet on and asked if I was prepared to die for my country.
don't worry i won't let him get attached. I put on my Hulk onesie after sex and yelled I SMASHED YOU. never seen a guy looked so confused.
I told you alcohol was flammable, but you didn't believe me until you tried to extinguish your sparkler by submerging it in vodka and the bottle burst into flames.
The Easter dress struggle is real
Yep. Just had to pull mine off to puke.
I know its 2 in the morning and everything. But i just straight up yelled "DON'T YOU UNDERSTAND THIS WORLD IS DIFFICULT ENOUGH AS IT IS WITHOUT YOU PULLING THIS BULLSHIT ON ME" to my taco. Because it fell apart on me. I think i might be cracking under this finals pressure.
Quit being awkward towards me every time the group is together. They're going to figure out we're fucking.
NOT PREGNANT HIGH FIVE!
Randomize
