Life lesson: when driving and throwing up, choose a paper bag over plastic. Fuck my life.
You took all of my sister's dolls and threw them out the window and then you started talking to her etcha sketch and mr. potato head. I later found you passed out in front of Toy Story and it all made sense.
it took me about 5 minutes before I knew it was in her ass. i thought the first time would be a bit more special
Lauren will drop me off I'll be drunk ride you for a little bit and then you can go to sleep
sorry. that wasn't for you
she pinky promised me she was 18
He booked us a hotel at a resort in cancun for sprng break... I just wanted to get laid this weekend when i was blackout i didnt know it was gonna spiral into a mess of events like a 5 month in advance commitment
Memorial weekend is going to be amazeballs. Jungle juice, drunk guys, and my vagina being stimulated by the vibrations of a 4 wheeler. I mean there is no way that can go wrong.
Me focusing on not shitting my pants is keeping me awake.
His morals are debatable, but his heart or perhaps his penis is in the right place.
His penis is crooked. Right place? Maybe he starts there, but then he slants.
Am I really in your phone as Asshole Jesus??
You just kept walking around in a circle saying "well played 6th street well played" before falling over.
The cop let us off with a warning because I had more Twitter followers than he did. The future is terrifying.
She squirted. We were both surprised. I'm that good.
he told me he wanted me to go see his cat. apparently i was more interested in playing with his cat then having sex.
I need mimosas to revive my soul
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