Never name a vibrator after ashton kutcher
watching a depressing episode of spongebob while high is the most depressing thing i have ever experienced
just saw a guy throwing up in the urinal at Dennys. Either he had one hell of last night or we are going to eat somewhere else
The lady at the touchless car wash just gave me the look of death. How do I say, "sorry it's not my puke" in Spanish?
I use him for alcohol and he uses me for sex. This is the closest thing to love i could imagine
I think being an adult is being able to say no to free shots...I need to work on that.
I feel like i could break down a fucking wall with this boner
Soooo, coming over soon?
Yeah I just gotta do it so that my major doesn't find out. Doesn't look good having a stripper teach your 3rd grader
Can I also remind you that we insisted on touching his mustache?
Well of course I remember it took up like 20 minutes of my night.
Your text makes more sense read in reverse.
I drew you a picture of Jesus holding hands with Frida Kahlo as a token of my gratitude
I woke up to a shattered My Little Pony garbage pail, a black eye I don't know how I got and no one will look me in the face. Fuck tequila.
We kind of broke a table making out. So yes, I'd say it was successful.
In retrospect i can confidently say that the last two months of our relationship... i was only in it because i didnt wanna lose my list on his netflix account.
I'm gonna have to start putting baby wipes and a change of pants in my bag. The amount of times I'm scared of shitting my pants in public is too high and I need the reassurance
Randomize
