Is showing up wearing the condom a bit presumptus
final count. 18 beers. 4 shots baileys. 2 shots vodka. 1 glass champagne. vomited in the yard after losing my phone in a field for 8 hours. Possibly played tag with myself
Hmm. I hear gunshots, car horns blaring, hear drunk white people screaming, and see about fifty status updates pertaining to the hawks. I guess they won.
its taking every last moral i have not to steal this bike
you still have morals?
Well actually itd just be too hard to ride the bike with this large rake i just stole
we fucked while standing on a ladder. challenging, but worth it.
i love all of you. Physical. Emotional. Mental. All of it. When we speak i feel like a feather or a dragon depending on the conversation ...
WHY DO I WANT TO FUCK EVERY GUY THAT BREATHES
the chips you spilled whiskey on is not the same thing as Irish breakfast potatoes
i would like you to please flash back to us blacked out in the bathroom when you told me i needed to take one for the team and have a threesome with you and jon to help your relationship. you then told me you had no issue putting ghb in my drink to make it happen.
When I said I wanted you to make noise during sex, I didn't mean mocking ones.
This is the beginning of the end. Testicle Tuesdays and free ball Friday are going to scar people for life
Dude that picute of your balls will haunt my nightmares
How much weight does it take to launch a cat using a trebuchet vs the tension required for a catapult?
The guy whose porn password I use finally renewed his membership. Lazy fucker had been slacking all summer.
There's a 50-50 shot that I will wake up with an ass tattoo tomorrow.
I'm watching Trainwreck with Jeff and realizing that I'm the John Cena in my relationship.
Randomize
