What happened to our ballroom dancing plans
im so drunk with asians
where?
always
The only thing I have to prove last night happened is a fireman's hat full of puke.
She pulled a cheeseburger out of her purse. I have missed her so much.
Well i then put my mattress in my closet and am currently on it. This is a new one.
they arrested me when i was peaking, i'm pretty sure they were specifically looking for me but i was too busy rolling around, loving the grass to notice the police car..
Just put the gallon of milk in the microwave. Dad might know im high.
Look, I said I'm sorry. In the shower, "are you happy to see me" sounded just like "could you please pee on me". Honest mistake.
Yeah you insisted everyone watch Space Jam at 2 in the morning then you cried the whole way through it. You were the very worst kind of drunk.
Look. If you get me out of this speeding ticket you can bang my sister. Or my mom. But not both.
I have words... I can't think of them tho. they keep melting together and forming you and I just want to hump it.
I was kind of torn between "Wow, this is awkward," and "Wow, my therapist is hung."
I'm sitting in Madison square park surrounded by children thanking god I took emergency contraception
as I was leaving in the morning with his clothes on his roommate pops up and goes 'don't you dare steal that shirt, i gave it to him for his birthday'.
I came twice and when I was done I petted his head and said "you did good kid you did good" and just laid back smiling. Tell me I'm not awesome.
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