im at the bar and i misjudged a fart...go home or ride the night out?Never mind, the bouncer made the decision for me...be home soon
singing on the bus should be illegal
huh?
There's a group of like 8 white people in the back of the bus harmonizing to sugar we're going down
i'm saving my butt for my wedding night
So you honestly dont remember putting honey in your bong? You kept talking about how you wanted to become a bee and fly
do you think i can make that microwavable cake stuff with vodka instead of water?
you should probably use water
i dont have any
Ok I won't set anything on fire if you wear pants all night. This is a bet we're both destined to lose.
Those motion detector trash cans don't work fast enough to catch puke.
sorry for throwing an entire water bottle of vodka at you. It was very wasteful
We're smoking a joint the size of the average penis right now. I may not survive.
she hid the dish soap because she was afraid someone would confuse it with the margaritas and drink it instead. her reasoning was "theyre both soo pink...i cant tell them apart"
After he called me a "spirited little girl" I realized that I need to stop sleeping with guys more than ten years older than me.
I think the Predator is hunting me in my house. If I don't text you later, send Danny Glover. I love you all.
UPDATE: THERE IS ASS EATING. I REPEAT: THERE IS ASS EATING.
Remember when you brought a guy home from the bar... to our parents house.... on thanksgiving eve?
You fucked him, didn’t you?
He showed up at my house with tacos, rum and a negative Covid test. Of course I fucked him. I’m just a simple girl that likes tacos, not Margaret Thatcher!
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