You told her the u were going to wrap your dick around her neck and start her like a lawn mower. thats why she left.
im sober playing flip cup. its like cheating.
i lost my phone in the process of getting a condom out of my hair
I used a physics textbook to prop her up so she wouldn't choke on her vomit...see I have learned something from statics class.
All the alcohol I spilled on myself must have acted as a disinfectant or something. I haven't showered in three days and I still don't have a staph infection from sleeping on the lawn with you.
Why isn't there a sort by hair color option on Facebook? It would make stalking much easier.
He just grabbed my boob and justified it by saying "I just wanna feel your heart beat"
The weed is temporarily burning the grammar section of my brain library.
I punted my pants across my apt at my roommate last night. Everything else is kinda fuzzy.
I don't think it's food poisoning, I think it's cause you cooked it over burning styrofoam
i'm pretty sure you can't sue someone for "Taking a shit on my kitchen floor."
Successfully defrauded the county government. What have you done today?
I should've negotiated that before I sat on his face.
He doesn't understand the concept of a strip club. He keeps falling in love
You remember my neighbor with the perfect ass? It's even better in assless chaps.
Randomize
