I just had someone call me out on a walk of shame via megaphone
You said that we had to leave the party together and proceeded to repeat the "ducks fly together" speech from The Mighty Ducks word for word. Soon the whole party was quite and started chanting quack..quack...quack..
I give you the lube, you make me the mac and cheese, that's a pretty fair deal I think.
Yeah well margarita Wednesday already came twice this week and it's just now Wednesday
i'm sick of coming in second next to bourbon.
Listen, everyone has a price and mine is free taco bell.
I'm not gonna lie; I was dosed with mushrooms and am eating pickles with a guy in all white. It's weird, but I'm down. Help.
The cabbie told me fat girls shouldn't wear tight clothes, and that he feels bad for the guys that have to be underneath them, especially because their positions are "very limited" and proceeded to ask me if I had a trash can and if I could throw something away for him. Don't worry though, he promised it wasn't anything "bad". He then handed me a tied up grocery bag with a bunch of wadded up Kleenex that weighed about 3 pounds. To answer your question, yes I made it home. Fml
I am "lost the control of my head" high right now.
Did I get stoned on a sunday afternoon and speak to someone on the phone for an hour about cats and their behaviour? Glad you asked. And yes.
You don't understand!!! BACON ROSES!!! Why are you not more excited?!
No like you've drunkenly persistently tried to take your shirt off in the middle of a park filled with children. You had already thrown your bra at my crotch.
This is what happens when you leave: I get all vulnerable and I make out with the cowboy to shut him up about Jesus.
You don't come back from leaving a bag of shit on someone's counter Jill
But once you are just right and I work my tongue in the right spots and hot wax your balls and inner thighs. I will have you right where I want you.
Who is this?
Oops wrong number
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