Bring my lunch to work in liquor store bags is doing nothing for my career
I tried to discuss modern art with a cab driver after explaining that I only had one shoe on b/c a pitbull ate the other one. Wtf. Call me when you can.
Have you seen Dave? He's not on top of the bar anymore but I found his shirt.
I just want you to know that we eye fucked the shit out of someone who just got drafted
What time do you think you'll be heterosexual?
Licking pop rocks off a stranger's washboard abs and kissing strangers young enough to be my kid. Yeah, it was THAT kind of party last night
He told me my outfit made me look like a twelve year old then proceeded with "but you don't look like a whore"
Trying to figure out the logistics of putting my laptop speakers on this plate with the last slice of pizza. Too drunk to move the plate. Not an option.
Birthday are for suffering. TAke some tylenol pm and day-drink tomorrow
I told the guy that if he didn't put enough pepperoni to earn the name " pepperoni feast", that I was gonna sue him for all he had. Believe it or not, that's all I remember.
Are you wearing clothes?
Fuck no, who do you think I am
Don't I can pass these orgasm blushes off as sunburn for much longer...
I knew full well that at some point during the night my penis would be out with this costume choice
Only you can make me eat tacos in your car, while naked, on a dead end road in a ditch on a Thursday night.
I could be the Kenny Powers of Sex Therapists.
Randomize
