I just woke up in the back of his van. Bring me a sunkist.
Just realized the hot girl at the office got a boob job over the Holiday.....she is now super-hot girl.
It's going to be great. We're a perfect team to break up marriages and happiness.
The coffee from our coffee maker just hasn't tasted normal since we made Mac n cheese in it that one time....
I've decided to tape numbers to the bottom of my heels corresponding to the number of drinks I can safely consume in them.
Remember that foreign guy who never talked last night? He just came out of my bathroom when I woke up.
He likes bondage and spanking and shit.
Oh, so "normal" kinky not "I wanna pee on people" kinky. I can handle that.
You were so excited to be getting 4 tickets to the Whale Rodeo.... That high
i sent you a picture of beads you send me a picture of boobs how hard is this to understand
What are you doing St Patricks day? I'm banned from all work parties with open bar ever since the cinco de mayo party that I dumped a drink on my co-workers head and played air guitar on my boss' ankle cast.
If there was a tv show called "True Life: My 58 Year Old Dad Rolls Better J's Than Me" I'd be on it.
We're too hungover to prance.
We were right in the middle of sex and all of a sudden his kids toy story action figure starts talking "I think the word your searching for is Space Ranger." A literal Buzz kill. It was equally creepy and hilarious.
I'm soaking her vibrators in tabasco and wasabi paste. "furious" is an understatement
Bleach your asshole, I'm on my way.
Who is this?!?!
Randomize
