she just fell off the couch. onto a bag of pretzels. her face resembled a cat that just swallowed a sock.
Wow, you know I need to stop drinking alone when I pour my drink into my hand and offer it to my dog,
I just turned in a 4 page paper spelling absolute as "absolut" every single time. I'm an alcoholic
We all have a cross to bear. Yours just happens to be attracting gay men.
Tonight's trip to the ER was brought to you by, "fork jousting."
I pulled my bra outta my purse. Covered in honey mustard. I still lack an explanation.
Remind me in the future that chugging dog codeine is not the best idea.
I realized last night, I never talk dirty in German during sex. How much wasted potential is that?
the bride at the wedding we just crashed said we can stay only if we strip for her. You need to get down here
so it took us like 45 minutes to get into the party.... then when we wanted to leave we were blocked and forced to stay.
....you got kicked INTO a party??
Don't talk to me about lonely until you're eating marshmallows for dinner in your underwear watching House of Cards for 12 hours straight. I hate all you couples
So, got kind of drunk last night, made out with some guy, and somehow stole his credit card. Don't even know.
I'm committing myself to dance. Also, I'm unsure if you said space party sounded lame because dude was old, but I hope you're over it because I love space, and I love David Bowie and I love to dance, and you need to embrace this with me.
he is sitting in the driveway by himself laughing at nothing, idk what to do
Two grav bong hits and a shower later and I'm ready for company
It's like you say things that speak to my soul on a deep personal level
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