I was being carried out of the bar, but then my friend saw Pat who just got kicked out scaling the wall to sneak back in, so he carried me back in, sat me on the bar stool, and the bartender just let us all keep drinking.
Being persistent has its perks my friend.
If I ever start a band I'm gonna name it "Nancy Reagan's Vagina"
I just got hit in the face by an old lady love handle.
For a day that started with shitting my pants, things turned out fairly well.
I want to frame my negative pregnancy test.
i'm glad we've gotten to the point in our relationship where I can eat peach rings off your penis.
he said i looked like a lion with slutty lingerie on .
Whoever I saved in my phone as "Jackpot" last night has your keys.
How am I supposed to be friends with him when there's an exact replica of his dick in my underwear drawer?
my favorite sex position is the one where no sex actually happens we just get really stoned and eat a lot and watch netflix in the dark
I couldn't find pants for like 20 minutes so I was butt ass naked just sitting on your floor
I want you to know. From the bottom of my heart, that you are a great friend, a beautiful person, and one of my favorite people in this world. But if you ever send me that many messages again at 4am I swear to God, I will push you in from of a fast running rhino
I stole $10 from the guy I hooked up with last night.Not sure why but it was definitely more satisfying.
its like probably shouldnt be sending pics of your asshole to strangers who work in the same building as you
So I ended the trip with two cold sores, poison ivy on my leg and vagina, and no alcohol or weed. WORST. 4TH. OF. JULY. EVER.
Randomize
