I hate cats. They're so curious, it's not their damn business.
i caught the condom in my mouth.. dont ask me how
At what point were we discussing suction-cupping a dildo to the wall?
Found my shoes and purse. They're all strapped together in my neighbor's tree. Need to borrow your ladder. Thanks in advance
It was just a reflex. BOOM I kicked her in the face
She dumped a fish bowl of alcohol on herself. Just like flash dance.
Just because I tried to backhand you with a fist full of cash does not make me violent
I feel like all of the victims from Seven. Best birthday weekend ever.
He's currently surrounded by roughly 23 girls he fucked and never called. He may not make it out of here. Bar of doom? Or of redemption?
Oh wow. I almost tweeted #TweetFromTheBackOfACopCarTuesday but I didn't think it was that appropriate
i woke up and found a picture of his grandma in my purse.. im a kelpto
Simple math equation: Up till 5 a.m. drinking + up at 9 a.m. for nephews birthday party = puking in the pool
just curious, were the inflatable penis' received? Amazon says they were delivered.
Omg. Tonight might be the night I masturbate thinking of a smoothie!
A real best friend would support the hoe in me. Not remind me of what happened the last time I slept with a boss
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