Words of Wisdom: ordering a pitcher of whiskey cokes, putting a straw in it, and calling it your drink is not socially acceptable
I'm now at that point where it just feels natural to do a few shots of whisky with breakfast and then head to work
Is there a technical name for reverse cowgirl? I'm trying to maintain a little dignity with my mother here
this mall makes me feel like I just rolled a 9 in jumanji and got the stampede card
Climbing out Mr. Friday night's bathroom window. He thinks I'm puking. Be on state st. with the getaway car and if you could bring me a shirt and some advil that'd be dandy.
So proud. See you in five. I've got coffee.
foreskin is a definite game changer
Oh FYI, people asked how/why I met you and I didn't want to say "drunk at a party on an air mattress" so I made a story up. It was a very cute and charming story with no alcohol.
Why does my jaw hurt?
I may have punched you.
I convinced a German girl that I was born while my mom was water skiing and I preceded to barefoot ski behind her via the umbilical cord...
He was cheering for me from the end of the bar as I sloppily ate a Ruben sandwich. It made me feel really special.
I couldn't find a water bottle, so I sent her to school with her juice in a flask. Who the hell let me become a parent?
Tonight I researched being a phone sex operator and teaching English at a French school in Africa. I think my future lacks direction
Just let me pee on you and I'll leave you alone.
I wasn't that drunk.
You were calling my cat 'Simba' and holding him up in the air.
Dude why is my bed and bedding wrapped in bubble wrap?
Cuz u wanted to insure u had a safe sleep
Randomize
