I accidentally told him I've been cheating on him with his brother last night.
How did that happen by accident?
I was drunk and vomited all over him and thought, "maybe he will just stay with me out of pity if I tell him with stomach acid and alcohol all over his crotch." I was wrong.
his logic is that since hes already cheated on her w me its doesnt count
i just got fired from my job because i was "too smart" and my immedate response was i am WAY too stoned to be considered smart, and theni walked out the door.
wow. i have no words.
Apparently she saw two women get in a slapping match over a comforter at target yesterday. She said it was awesome. Clearly I take after her.
Come on, without my personality, I'm a pretty good one night stand.
You don't have a penis so I'm not texting you at this hour. This is penis texting hour only.
I told him he was, quote: "A big cuddly bear" and he needed to get into my bed or I would set his Golden Retriever free.
I just duct taped myself into my costume. I apologize in advance if you find me in a compromised position involving duct tape and underwear when you get home tonight
Come on there are only so many drink coaster sizes nipples in the world
We're getting paid a considerable amount of money to send each other pictures of our dicks...
Nothing says besties like laying naked in bed hungover arguing over who is getting the pants
Did you get any pics? And I can only imagine how inferior you must have felt knowing that somewhere in that room was a guy whose penis was the length of your forearm.
If my eyeballs could make a sound to describe how they feel they would just say uhhhhhhhhggggggghhhhhh.
What did you do with the dog when you went into the club?
coat checked
i solemnly vow to never stick my penis into crazy again
I give it a week.
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