I woke up this morning under my fitted sheet and my legs through the sleeves of my sweater.
I hate how you keep a running list of people who have seen me naked.
I just watched Jersey Shore so I would know what rock bottom was when I reach it.
I woke up with a new Tiffanys necklace on. I'm such a classy drunk.
she made me take her to the grocery store to buy a gallon of sweet tea and a shit ton of band aids, the cashier asked if someone was hurt and she replied "not yet.."
THESE BITCHES NOT IN MY MAJOR BETTER NOT FILL UP MY SLAVIC FAIRYTALES CLASS
after he went down on me he said he wanted an air freshener for his car scented like my vag. i cant even.
Hello, the Less Drunk that has my sister's phone. I am the Moderately Drunk. I am questioning your Friday activities. Why are you not the More Drunk?
Yeah. Well last night I sold my shoes to a man who I'm pretty sure has a weird foot fetish for $150 cash.
YOU DON'T JUST GET TO CALL AND SAY YOU MIGHT BE DEAD, THEN NOT ANSWER!
If you think you're having a bad day, know that upon waking up, I was informed that I blew my nose in a piece of bread last night
fyi, pepper spray hurts. whoever comes up with the best backstory wins a prize.
You just managed to turn Dr. Seuss into a sext. I really like you now.
I never truly understood the phrase ball is life until I started having to balance NBA finals and all these men with balls i'd like to handle.
I'm drunk and he's still weird.
Randomize
