All my problems are solved. I just got McDonalds and scratch off lottery tickets.
It feels like Jesus smacked me in the face with the new testament for drinking so much last night
He literally didn't stop until I lost count of how many times he made me orgasm. It took three hours.
For some reason I knew you were going to smell like strippers and burritos when I hugged you.
Just rolled over and found your boyfriend in bed with me. Is mine at your house?
Her mom caught her drunk streaking when she was 12. Of course she's perfect for me.
The fire breather is here so I may get my second wind.
My clit ring got caught in his beard. Never. Again.
Our house almost burnt down last night. I woke up at 4:10am to the smoke alarm going off bc the bean bag chair was on fire so i extinguished it and smoked a bowl at 4:20 to celebrate my fire extinguishing abilities
There was enough sluts here for 2 threesomes to happen at the same time, and you still struck out. What did you do to piss off karma so much?
That's just weird. That doesn't make sense sexually at all. I mean, you might as well tape a pen to the tip and try and write your name while you're at it.
I've been wearing the same clothes for 3 days and they're covered in franzia
my goal is to never have a bac of 0.0 the whole time while in the state of florida, which means i have to chug a beer before i cross the state line
If she didn't have scissors in her hand I would have motor boated the fuck out of her when she was done cutting my hair.
if I start to respond to these political texts with a middle finger emoji - do you think they will get the hint?
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