The sky will open, cue choir of angels: "oh! wow! Matt was right! Not only will I grow out my bush, but I'm going to date straight, available men!"
The best part about the NBA starting up is I get to see Charles Barkley make a fool out of himself for 8 months
By the way, turns out "Danny B" is his penis. Not his cousin. I was right.
HOLY SHIT HE'S TRYING TO EAT HIS FOOT. THIS IS THE BEST DAY OF MY LIFE.
in fingerprint form on my ass. Seriously not cool. \ni bruiiiseeee like a delicate fruiiiitttt. Heeeaaarrr the rythymmm
And I feel bad.
Because we're having a serious discussion about our sex life and you're playing minecraft?
I woke up and he was starring at me and then said "do you believe in miracles"?
Licking pop rocks off a stranger's washboard abs and kissing strangers young enough to be my kid. Yeah, it was THAT kind of party last night
It's pizza for people who hate themselves. I rang the place up once i'd finished and told them if i was on death row it would be my last meal because by the time i'd got half way through it I would be begging to die.
But then I ordered two more because it was 2-4-1 and my life is a mess
He had to put the child locks on the windows so you would stop screaming at random boys
Life achievement unlocked: I just ate a Slim Jim "Lady and the Tramp" style with a guy in a bar.
even my drug dealer wished me a happy birthday before my mother did.
I've decided to become a librarian so I can drunkenly quote The Mummy and have it be legit.
It's only 10am and I doubt my day could get much worse. During my 9am meeting I had to sit between my boss who I fucked for my promotion and the guy he walked in on me fucking on the copier
I dont understand why i cant be a wizard
Randomize
