now I know why they wanted me to come. apparently gay guys are stripper magnets
I got kicked out of a mexican restaurant last night for being too drunk. This is getting dangerously close to rock bottom
i was wearing footie pjs. how could there be confusion as to who i hooked up with, thats not something you forget
the welcome home hickey he left on my boob is really gunna put a damper on the rest of my thanksgiving hook up plans with the rest of my ex's
He's afraid of heights. How do I know, you ask? Blowjob on his roof.
Hey guy that stepped on my foot, don't slap my ass to apologize.
...I think i just fell in love with a random undergrad at first glance. He was the awkward young adult version of captain hook. Dear god i need to get off this campus.
so serious though like its almost like I'm playing a game that's my life and Im always losing
my biography would be titled "haunting truths and dick jokes: a tale of love, loss, and masturbation."
I DESERVE A BEADED TATTOOED MAN I'VE WANTED ONE FOR SO LONG
BEARDED TATTOOED MEN ARE PEOPLE AND NOT THINGS TO BE GIVEN FREELY
What's Spanish for "I shouldn't have worn these underwear to work?"
friends are allowed to bang on New Years, I read it on the Internet somewhere.
this isn't the first time i woke up with peanut butter in my butt
I just put poptarts in the toaster with the wrapper on, that's how hungover I am.
He was so drunk last night. He woke up out of a dead sleep at 330am, walked over to the dresser, opened his middle drawer and proceeded to pee. When I woke up and asked him Wtf he was doing, he told me it was fake pee and blamed it on the cat...we don't have a cat
Randomize
