I'm at a work party and I don't know how to drink socially. You know, like slow?
I wish I could tape me & him having sex. Not for pornographic reasons, just for comic relief.
why im i the only drunk person in the library?
i love insurance, just had an iv with 4 bags of fluid, 2 shots of finagrin and a 2 hour nap . woke up without a hangover. all for $20
i would one night stand the shit outta him
I can't believe I paid your booty call for a ride home in cake.
I need someone to meet me at the end of the road and throw captain morgan at my face like they do with water at marathons
We decided we needed a drinks fridge in our bathroom.
Well this lady at the bar told me I was a natural on the tambourine and that it was my God given talent. and then she gave me a tambourine.
Dude. Went to buy some jack and sailor Jerry, when the guy at the counter realized it was my birthday everybody in the store including the stoners and the elderly sang to me. Then they gave me shots of moonshine. 21st bday was a success
I made out with a guy so that I could get ahead in the bathroom line, totally acceptable
Did I wash my face last night at your house? Where did my eyebrows go??
I am at 99 matches in less than 24 hours, I need a tinder rehab program
Why is the floor coated in a 2 inch blanket of popcorn??
You poured all their beer into ziploc baggies so it would be "better on the go"
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