Where were you when I was single???
Still in diapers.
the worst part of it wasnt him peeing on the xbox. it was when he showed me his penis and made a kissy face at me. THAT was painful.
she played "i just wanna get married" by jagged edge while we were having sex. why cant i avoid stage 5 clingers
I was going to call you an awful person for that. but then i realized we're both awful people.
Really* awful people.
I almost punched the night nurse in her face. I woke up and she was standing over me.
If by any chance I go to the hospital make sure you stuff a pint in my pockets so I can keep up.
Well you tried to pay for a drink with your keys for one...
I'm about to start putting my tampons in the microwave for a few seconds these plastics applicators and this weather don't mix
I will keep you posted and someday if we daydrink teach you how to do a footjob
holy shit I just remembered that story I told about Tom hanks going bowling while high.
There's a potato with a bite taken out of it in the kitchen
OH MY GOD REMEMBER ALL THAT I LOVE NEW YORK I DVRED BECAUSE I JUST DID
I ate so much cake that I can't even enjoy a blowjob
That's the most first world problem I've ever heard in my life.
Just had an orgasim to the Star Spangled Banner so.. it was all worth it.
Let's just grow old together and be the crazy ladies that sit on the park bench, drinking booze from flasks and loudly talk about people who walk by.
Randomize
