Thanks for stopping me from doing a one man keg stand by myself clad in only a towel. that probably wouldve ended badly.
I get drunk and say inappropriate things... you get drunk and sleep with inappropriate people. it's what we do.
we knew you were done when they played It's All Coming Back To Me Now by Celine Dion and you started crying
I bought a 9 dollar purse from payless so if I throw up in it tomorrow, no biggie.
make sure nobody uses the downstairs toilet. i like to have an unused toilet for the weekends. dont shit where you puke i always say.
I figured out why her friends always say g is for god when she leaves with someone. She wears a double g cup bra
I hooked up with a guy dressed up as morning wood. Needless to say he lived up to his costume.
Ur wingman ability is causing serious doubt
Ok first off its WAY easier if you are actually here
I'm not sure why, but my salad smells like a Big Mac. Or maybe that's just the smell of yesterday's, seeping through my skin.
Don't worry my mom is buying me a vasectomy for Christmas
I hope the lord has blessed you with many tampons, child.
The house across the street caught on fire today, Drunk people high centered their car tonight. Looking out my front window I get to watch police chases all the time. I am going to miss this place.
She's walking down the sidewalk with a notebook, a pencil, and a box of cheez its while yelling profanities at small animals.... I'm going 2 ask her where she was before this.
A girl just managed to steal a whole gallon of ice cream. I'm letting her go because that is impressive.
Oh well, he'll live. He has a hand and a penis.
Randomize
