You made me cry and you don't even care
this morning i woke up under the kitchen table. i went to my room and there was an inflatable whale in my bed with a banana duct taped to where its penis should be. there were trails of cheez-its around my apartment and i found $67 in the crotch of my underwear. im guessing i had a very happy birthday.
Check Facebook. Random dude tagged us in photos from last night dancing at Denny's while eating a sampler platter. 1. How does he have our names, and 2. You said we ate at Tbell.
Good morning! Spongebob is on channel 257 when you wake up. Help yourself to breakfast. You were great last night. See you when i get back.
I'm gonna go out on a limb and say it had something to do with pool sex.
PSA: Morning booty calls are no longer accepted after the hours of 6am when I've been drinking or before 11am when I have not. Your cooperation is appreciated.
That is true. Vodka is like a dog. Always loyal, warm, and there for you when you need it
Spider-Man is making out with Wonder Woman while Captain Kirk feels up Princess Lea. Nice to see nerd barriers broken down at Comic Con.
If you get any calls give me a heads up. Im drinking rum in my underwear on the back porch.
I gave him a handjob in the uber car. Life is really spiraling downwards.
That awkward moment when your drug dealer pulls your boss out of the snow
You hear the wildest shit in a Walmart bathroom.
I am putting clothes on to go find a brownie
In my experiences, brownies are better naked.
Goat in kitchen.....explanation?....
No one can touch me, I'm made of fruit.
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