sometimes i wonder what i would do without sheltered catholic girls w/ overprotective parents
never have sex?
The tornado sirens were going off and everyone just ran to the liquor store. .
How do you get a 7 on a pregnancy test?
SANTA'S REAL. I GOT MY PERIOD.
trying to imitate man vs food after 12 shots doesnt mean youll get laid
we need to find an occasion to wear tutus
My goal is to upperdeck the house I'm at, because it's some girl I don't know's birthday. Welcome to adulthood, bitch.
I'm sorry, when did "I like your shit" become an acceptable pickup line?
I love being high. The owl outside stopped who-ing and I could swear I just heard someone say, "Okay, that's a wrap!"
They just built a gym in the same parking lot as my favorite bar. Drunk me is gonna be so excited.
painting my nails while super high-drunk. Ended up painting my entire hands. Both.
How do I tell my hairdresser I want a hair style I saw in a porn video?
Btw, how did you break into my room, and why did you decide that covering the mushrooms with a blanket was more secure than a lock on my door?
I find nice boys who are in extremely long term relationships with nice girls, wait for them to break up, and sneak in for the rebound fucking.
You are like a terrifying jaguar of sex. Predatory.
Theres about 23 grilled cheese sandwiches stuck to my ceiling and tomato soup all over the kitchen. You are never allowed over again. Ever.
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