im six kinds of drunk right now
is it wrong that I want a "Where The Wild Things Are" tshirt that points to my junk?
I wish there was a "friends who have gained the most weight since high school" filter on facebook for when I am feeling fat.
halloween makes it hard to decipher real cops... from sexy men dressed up as them.
there's nothing like watching the sun rise at the library alone on a friday morning to make you want to kill yourself.
His mom walked into the kitchen smiling, made a scotch on the rocks, hit my bong, and told us goodnight enthusiastically. He's suddenly more appealing to me.
I was just sitting on the ground alone in fetal position shivering and chewing on my hand when she found me. ecstasy was not my best idea.
Yeah, I only wore tennis shoes under the gown. Way cooler than khakis and a shirt, but much more awkward when my parents wanted to go to dinner immediately after the ceremony and my grandmother started to unzip the gown. Stopped her before it was too late, but barely. My dad just rolled his eyes.
I'm adopting to save the world from the moral outrage that would be my offspring
I spent three hours in the ER last night to figure out that my friend just had to take a shit
Last night I went outside to our neighbors and asked them to put in money with me to get a hot tub for our patio. Niceeeee
If he doesn't fuck you on the 4th of July, he doesn't really love this country.
Reading becomes significantly more difficult when people are having crazy loud sex in an adjoining room
So I took my bra off and threw it in the bushes before we went to the bars..
look, bitch. one day when everyone i care about deserts me for my severe moral depravity, you're going to be the only one i have.
i can't wait.
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