Yeah, but thats the third time she's peed on me.
I wish I had my own personal Asian lady that lived under my bed so that she could wax my eyebrows and give me a pedicure whenever I wanted.
How do you tell if you're on the terrorist watch list?
THEY SHOULD WARN YOU WHEN THEY MAKE JELLO SHOTS WITH JACK DANIELS!!! THEY SHOULD WARN YOU!!!!!!!
You were petting your shoe and saying this makes me really happy
I'll call you tomorrow. I'm ok and back i love you goodnight.
I stole a bike. Here's a pic
#1 RULE OF DRINKING: DELETE YOUR EX'S NUMBER FROM YOUR PHONE
please, i've had weekends with less dignity than this.
But if you move out who will get drunk with me on the roof and yell at boys?!?
He kept screaming "I am the thunder!" when he was riding me.
You know something is wrong with your life when your mom is at the bar getting free tequila shots and you aren't
I woke up in a limo in long Island, Ny this morning. Talk about a black out
Well guess who isn't a virgin anymore
guess who isnt wearing pants has a shaving cream beard and is afraid theres no cream cheese in the fridge
the answer to that last one was me. the answer to the first one is you, you sly dog
Wanna buy a dildo with me during your lunch break tomorrow?
This is going to be so stupid, but do you feel the calluses on my hands when I give you a handy?
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