woke up naked, gf gone. There is a cup of change in the fridge, a bird in the bathroom, and odie is drawn on my ceiling. I live in a non sequitur
two words: fractured penis. two more: emergency room.
i don't want a singing card. it disturbs my hangover. give me a pack of cigs taped to a bottle of wine and fuck me without a condom. happy vday baby.
I think I get why guys like boobs so much. I just motorboated myself and it's fun. My boobs feel soft and squishy on my face.
Hes the only one i know who can talk to a girl for an entire hour abuot the science in starwars and still get laid.
They glued all of the ceiling tiles shut.
oh my god. you caused complete remodeling to a college campus that you don't even go to
Just got to her place. Her parents are here and are high as a kite.
Her father just game me a high 5 as they left the room. Her mom leaned in and said "this is a rebound thing"
well his attempt to make a white russian with instant coffee, gone off milk, and that weird probably illegal vodka we bought the other day isnt going well
It's a sad day when you can't take off your pants and drink a margarita at work.
If you're still up for that roadtrip, I managed to end up in Louisiana and could use a ride home.
Got a snapchat from Megan last night showing you sobbing about a burrito on the floor with Dan in the background trying not to laugh his ass off
His dick is a spiritual experience and meditation is very important to me.
My booty call made my bed while I was in the shower. I may have to marry him.
I'm starting to notice a direct correlation between blackouts and broken bones...
You sent me a pic of you peeing in two separate directions
and like half a dozen dick pics
Randomize
