First rule of pills: If you can't remember what it is, take half.
it's one of those mornings where you are proud of yourself just for waking up.
all i need in life is blowjobs and white cheddar cheezits
dont worry, it'll just be a conversation starter like "why did you get that pierced?" or "wow, i got arrested there too"
dude i've broken up a marriage, I think I can handle a simple engagement.
Mega depressed bro. Had the greatest sex with the hottest girl I've ever seen and in the AM she gave me that look I've given dozens of times. I'm her drunken fat chick fuck
Your grammar in that last text message was so awful.. My vagina wants to go crawl in a hole, and never speak to you again.
I realize it truly is impossible to burrow under the grass like a mole. Let's not drink for at least another 3 days.
I just had to beg some random guy to help me climb through your porch window since the door was locked. FYI...i hear you having sex in there. You could of at least taken a break to unlock the damn door. WTF!!!
Apparently after I threw up I put my socks in the toilet......
You just want to live out all your fuck fantasies with all these girls through me. I know your game. Well played sir.
When you're trying to sneak from the bathroom to your room with dildo, but it glows in the dark and suddenly your entire life is illuminated in the shape of dick
He told me he needed "space" but then goes and likes my insta of panacakes.. Done.
I have 2 phone numbers written on my vagina. I told you I shouldnt be left to my own devices after tequila shots.
So there is a 50% chance that he just left my house and a 100% chance that I have to be up for work in 2 hours...
Randomize
