a woman just threw her tv out the window while screaming "will you fucking work now?". i'm never moving
So apparently when I was 2, I went around drinking everybody's beer at some wedding, then passed out in a corner....
This explains a lot.
He just asked for the blowjob I promised him 3 years ago that he'd get the next time Michigan beat Ohio State. Goddamnit.
Why do I only have half my beard? My chin is so naked...
I just woke up in bed, rolled over, and found a whole pizza.
this is the second day in a row.
Oh. Yeah. It's the same pizza then.
She asked the woman in the drive through to cover everything she ordered in mayonnaise, including here chilli cheese fries. Didn't happen. Then she started swerving at the car next to us screaming, asking if they had mayonnaise.
Don't feel bad, we're professionals and we just housed burgers in burger king singing I believe I can fly
I had tater tots and weed with a stripper at 4am who compared the size of my boob to her head because fuck you my life rocks
You are in a fancy European city. The best way to truly experience the city is through Tinder
Walked into the bathroom and saw a Minion eating out Harley Quinn so this Halloween will be hard to top.
We'll just play naked Twister, the rest will take care of itself
RUDE you're the one missing half a nipple...
IT HEALED AND GREW BACK TO BE A FULL HEALTHY NIPPLE OKAY
I'm not saying i'm drunk
But i'm drunk.
At least get laid and waffle fries out of it you whipped basterd
Do you recall asking me to zip line through your wedding dressed as a bleeding angel?
Randomize
