Bar closing I am hiding in the bathroom. do you think anyone will find me?
i need a new camera phone. my pictures from last night are as blurry as my memories. and neither tell me why i woke up in an airplane hangar.
best line ever after sex today..."wow, that was a porn-star sized load"
after taking her first shot and having her first random hook up she finally feels like she is ready for college
she has no idea
Tried to bribe the bartender with wedding cake. Felt bad for not giving her a tip.
Somewhere in the night I send my Dad a text stating "YOU failed as a parent"
well in DOG beers, i've only had one
Shower sex is an art that should not be attemted drunk
Just bought weed from the ice cream man. The kid in front of me got a tootie fruitie.
Drunk yet?
Well I just did the worm on an empty dance floor while the bridesmaids were serving cake. You tell me.
I feel like I could get pregnant watching Zac Efron do yard work in this movie
I am not walking across campus just to give you a blow job in the hopes that in return i can study more efficiently.
Finally got with the virgin.
Yeah? Howd that go?
As soon as I got it all the way in, I looked deep into her eyes and said "your soul is mine" in the deepest voice I could make. She was not amused.
How do you confess that you've had phone sex with your fiancé's brother's ex-girlfriend's new guy she's dating who has also slept with your best friend?
I can get weed and taco bell delivered but frozen peas and a loaf of bread are just too scarce, what the hell is wrong with people?
Randomize
